Jurassic…?

Posted: December 1, 2014 in Trailer Releases
Tags: , , , ,

Thanksgiving, why must you make my life more difficult than necessary?

A little story for you first.. If you did know, you know I don’t post a lot, nor do I often say my opinion on things.  And, you are FINALLY learning my opinion, you nosy little shit you.  (Relax, I’m joking.)

So.

Welcome to Jurassic.. wait, what?  World?

You did it.  You crazy son of a bitch.  You did it. Can I have a tissue please?

So yeah, we’re in 2014, and Spielberg finally like, gave us his promise he made us like how many years ago.  I actually remember that happening and thinking to myself, “Wow, Spielberg, you suck. He left us!  He left us!”.  However, all hope is not lost: Go get some soda and salty snacks from the vending machine and hold onto your butts, because it’s finally happening.  The director/team/people released the trailer early, which threw me off for posts.  Do-you-think-he-saurus did it because of the Star Wars trailer being released on Thanksgiving?  That’s partly why this post was so late.  I sat there for days analyzing Masrani, and then suddenly, a trailer is released.  That’s, that’s chaos theory.  Nobody could have predicted that director Colin Trevorrow would suddenly, suddenly release the trailer.

Now to get the big stuff out of the way:   Grant?  You’ll never get him out of Montana, he’s not in JW.  We will not be bringing a rock star.  So we see new characters, namely Owen, the two small versions of adults, and Bryce Dallas Howard’s character and we have to ask:  Who in God’s name do you think you are…?

Oh, did I mention we have Dr. Henry Wu here?  We’ve got Wu here.  We’ve got Wu here!  Yes, as far as I know, he was the only old character returning in the movie.  Correct me if I am wrong.  It is a breath of fresh air to see an oldie come back.

So unless you’ve been living inside fossilized amber for the last whenever, you have obviously heard about a JW trailer.  So, here’s the premise of the film:  God creates dinosaurs.  God destroys dinosaurs.  God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs.  Dinosaurs destroy park.  Another man creates dinosaurs … Woman creates D. rex.  Way off on this one, Ellie.  And we do hear  some of it in the trailer.  Now, I’m not going to make a decision on whether or not I’ll like the movie, because just wait a second now, we haven’t even seen the park…  It’s the most advanced amusement park in the world, combining all the latest technologies. I’m not talking rides, you know. Everybody has rides. They made living biological attractions so astonishing they’ll capture the imagination of the entire planet!

The point is, I haven’t see the movie yet. While I want to hear every viewpoint, I really do, it’s hardly appropriate to start hurling generalizations.  The trailer wasn’t one big pile of shit.  It just had some problems: not all the problems of a major blockbuster and a major sequel, at least.  It makes you wonder why someone would do this again: But relax, it’s all part of the miracle of cloning.  I’m skeptical of the new park plot, but I think it’s making different statements than the original Jurassic Park. Genetic power is the most awesome force ever seen on this planet, and Jurassic World wields it like a kid who’s just found his dad’s gun.  Jurassic Park was about the power of genetics and not tampering with them in parts, Jurassic World is about how we can utilize it because everyone knows it’s going to happen anyway; God help us, we’re in the hands of engineers.  The kind of control you’re attempting is possible in Jurassic World – almost.  The lack of humility that’s been displayed here before nature staggers me.

The trailer opens with a woman sending off her kids to Jurassic World; when you gotta go, you gotta go.  As we all know, this could only result in good things, because kids get scared especially when dinosaurs break out.

The trailer jumps around, playing on nostalgia.

They’re flocking this way.

What is that?  Can you tell me what they are?  They’re like a flock of birds evading a predator!  Overall, I can’t wait anymore, show me something different.  We see all the machines and computers Dr. Grant hated working, and the big Apatosaurus meandering in front of the kids we see sent to Jurassic World.  Overall, Apatosaurus was a big favorite of mine who needed to be in some Jurassic Park movie and I’m pretty happy to see it there.  We see something else new, though.

A… Mosasaur? Being fed?

A mosasaur doesn’t want to be fed; he wants to hunt. You can’t just suppress sixty-five million years of gut instinct.  I wonder what actual role the mosasaur is going to have, if any, other than being eye candy.  The Pterosaurs are back, although that wasn’t in the trailer.

But then, we see what we have to be afraid of:

What have they got in there, King Kong?

We have a D. rex!

I’m fairly alarmed here.  As it turns out, the Jurassic World scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.  Now, look, there’s no reason to speculate wildly, but I’m skeptical of the D. rex.  Given the premise of the film, I don’t want to seem as though I’m not giving them due credit or make the filmmakers feel underappreciated in their time.  What you call creation, I call the rape of the natural world.  I hope to not have a repeat of the original movie without Dodgson or Nedry (we don’t have them here). I can only hope JW manages to make it’s own statements, while people are dying.

It’s apparent Chris Pratt is not out of a job, and he stars in this movie. I sincerely hope he does not become a human piece of toast in this movie, because I do genuinely like Pratt.  He told them to please, chance it, because he knows how epically famous Jurassic Park is.  Life, uh, finds a way, and hopefully Chris Pratt will.

There is something else, though.  Spared no expense.

So at first when I heard about JW, I heard about trained raptors or something.  As it turns out, things are a little different than you and I feared.  Nobody took the advice that they should all be destroyed.  Nobody remembered that they’re lethal at eight months, and I do mean lethal.

But they’re casually following Pratt on a motorcycle (that cheetah speed).  I’m afraid he’s dealt with the raptors more than anyone, but he was not a Kenyan game warden.  Even if he’s not exactly controlling them, it’s interesting these animals could be trained.  Remember, they were testing the fences for weaknesses.  Systematically.  They remembered.  Who’s to say they won’t forget what Owen is like without his gun?  After all, they show extreme intelligence, even problem solving.

Overall –  The world has just changed so radically. We’re all running to catch up. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but look – – I’m skeptical about Jurassic World.  I’m cautious, but remain optimistic we can see more blood sucking lawyers be eaten.

Hopefully,  the makers of Jurassic World haven’t stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they knew what they had, they patented it, packaged it, slapped in on a plastic lunch box, and now they want to sell it.

Seriously, though, fuck lawyers.

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